30 Apr How I Have Recently Faced My Fear Of Leaving The Children
In the last couple of weeks, I have faced something within my myself that has been a natural consequence of Felix’s diagnosis – my fear of being away from the children. I was completely unaware that this fear existed until recently and what an eye opener it has been. This is not just about Felix but the other two also and it’s not about them being OK without me but me being OK without them!
This was first made apparent when, for the first time in many months, the children went to stay with their grandparents for a couple of hours whilst we went to an event to support a good friend competing in a charity boxing match. The following day I text my father in law to thank him for having the children, to which he replied that they are always there for babysitting, please just ask. I thought about his response and suddenly had this wake-up call. They had always been there to babysit in the last 2 years or so – I had just forgotten how to do that thing. I had forgotten how important it is to go out with your partner. I had forgotten how important it is to do things for yourself. I had forgotten how important it is to do things for me.
You would think that after two years of coping with Felix’s diagnosis, things like this would’ve returned to normal. I thought they had but then realised that it was in terms of the new normal we had created. This new normal saw everything we do we do as a team and yes, we have needed the comfort and security of this to get us through the hardest of times. However, I realise that there is also a need for us to remember our individual needs, and for me, this is a huge step,
It is also a positive move forward in my acceptance of Felix’s diagnosis and I know that this process cannot be forced or coerced, it can only occur with time. It is now right for us to enable the children and ourselves to move forward without total dependence on each other. We will always be #TeamBrown, a force to be reckoned with but we need to now celebrate our individuality again.
Fear is a strange thing. For me, it has gone unnoticed for months, years in fact but now I have recognised it I feel empowered and liberated.
What are your fears? Do you have any subtle fears which are having an impact on your life and stopping you doing things? I’d love to hear more about them, please comment below and I bet many of us share the same fears!