This is one of my conscious thoughts when I am in hospital with Mr Felix.
Whilst I am in hospital with him, there is the constant anxiety regarding the life saving treatment he is having, the risk of infection and the psychological impact of his diagnosis. These fears often become magnificent in their stature at night; I do dread the nights. I often lie awake with adrenaline trickling through my veins and thoughts running around my mind. Sometimes, it is because of the distant cries of children who are in pain and scared, at other times it is because of the constant beeping and alarms from the variety of machines that give our children a lifeline. At other times, I know I cannot sleep because I am thinking about my middle-aged snoring and flatulence.
For those who know me well, this musical element to my sleeping has often led to a passionate debate who should and should not share a room with me. However, this stay-cation is not with family and friends, it is with people who do not yet share the love and amusement of my melodic rhythms. Oh, the predicament.
At night, as I sleep next to Felix, I am at my most vulnerable. Whilst the nurses are stealth-like as they glide between patients and the children gradually relax into a world of sweet dreams and sleep, I lay still. In the darkness and stillness of the night, my inner-most thoughts and feelings are exposed to the world. These sad and worrying feelings are alien to me; I am not comfortable with them and their ability to pounce throughout the night. I am used to having control over my mindset which I go to great lengths to ensure is positive and encouraging; not negative and damaging.
So I do what I do best when I’m uncomfortable with how I’m feeling, I turn to humour. This is why, when I lay in bed at night waiting for sleep to envelop me, I think about how I might wake the ward up with my nocturnal snoring and flatulence. I can imagine myself in full glory, the musical middle-aged woman turning the stillness and quietness into a full orchestral perfpormance. These thoughts mask my fears, worries and anxieties; they allow my imagination to run wild. So when I fall asleep at night, I do so with a wry smile on my face looking forward to what entertainment is in store for my fellow sleepers.