OK, so we are slowly meandering towards the year anniversary of Diagnosis Day. How do I feel about it? A little bit weird actually.
It’s not the date of 28th January so much, but the sensory associations that are paramount at the moment. There is the sense of the sun setting just a little bit later each night; the aromas of log fires and cold, crisp air; an impending excitement that spring is just around the corner. All of these associations are really vivid at the moment. Each time I encounter a memory or feeling from this time last year, it automatically links to the knowledge that things come to a sudden and abrupt stop soon.
I look at photos of how things were this time last year and I looking for signs, something that we missed, something that we overlooked. But there is nothing. Only a boy who looks truly innocent and happy. A boy who has never really endured pain or suffering or distress. I look at him now and I know he has changed. I am trying to work out if this change is just the natural progression of age or if it is the emotional effects of the last 12 months. It depends on what sort of day it has been but I always veer towards the natural progression of age. He’s doing so well and for this we are eternally grateful; other kids aren’t and this is always something that isn’t far from my mind.
So, back to anniversaries. Yes, there are the ones to be celebrated but here are also the ones which cause distress. It’s so easy to focus on a day which was a turning point in life; if this was a tough change then the run up can be as distressing as the day itself. And that’s what I’m finding difficult at the moment.
I can’t let this happen though. There are too many things to be grateful for. There are too many things in this world to be happy about. There are too many wonderful people in the world that want me to be happy. These were my thoughts today. And from my thoughts, as usual, ideas spiral out of control. I had to put something in place to distract from pondering too much on where we were this time last year. So this is what I came up with. A daily something to focus on. Sometimes, because of the tough stuff we’re dealing with, we lack motivation and fail to see the goodness around us. Have you ever seen a baby lack motivation when trying to stand for the first time? Have you seen the enthusiasm that a toddler puts into a tantrum? This is now my reference point. We were born with ambition and a natural curiosity of the world. I intend to refocus on this.
My aim is to focus on a daily dot each day. I could wait until 28th January to mark the anniversary in a positive way but why? I intend to start now.
So this is the start of Mrs Brown’s Daily Dot. It will be about everything and anything. It will be about the awe and wonder in the world; the people around us; the philosophies of life. It will be about us, humanity and what makes us tick.
I’m quite looking forward to the anniversary of Diagnosis Day now! #mrsbrownsdailydot