Mrs Brown’s Daily Dot

OK, so we are slowly meandering towards the year anniversary of Diagnosis Day.  How do I feel about it?  A little bit weird actually.

It’s not the date of 28th January so much, but the sensory associations that are paramount at the moment.  There is the sense of the sun setting just a little bit later each night; the aromas of log fires and cold, crisp air; an impending excitement that spring is just around the corner.  All of these associations are really vivid at the moment.  Each time I encounter a memory or feeling from this time last year, it automatically links to the knowledge that things come to a sudden and abrupt stop soon.

I look at photos of how things were this time last year and I looking for signs, something that we missed, something that we overlooked.  But there is nothing.  Only a boy who looks truly innocent and happy.  A boy who has never really endured pain or suffering or distress.  I look at him now and I know he has changed.  I am trying to work out if this change is just the natural progression of age or if it is the emotional effects of the last 12 months.  It depends on what sort of day it has been but I always veer towards the natural progression of age.  He’s doing so well and for this we are eternally grateful; other kids aren’t and this is always something that isn’t far from my mind.

So, back to anniversaries.  Yes, there are the ones to be celebrated but here are also the ones which cause distress.  It’s so easy to focus on a day which was a turning point in life; if this was a tough change then the run up can be as distressing as the day itself.  And that’s what I’m finding difficult at the moment.

I can’t let this happen though.  There are too many things to be grateful for.  There are too many things in this world to be happy about.  There are too many wonderful people in the world that want me to be happy.  These were my thoughts today.  And from my thoughts, as usual, ideas spiral out of control.  I had to put something in place to distract from pondering too much on where we were this time last year.  So this is what I came up with.  A daily something to focus on.  Sometimes, because of the tough stuff we’re dealing with, we lack motivation and fail to see the goodness around us.  Have you ever seen a baby lack motivation when trying to stand for the first time?  Have you seen the enthusiasm that a toddler puts into a tantrum? This is now my reference point.  We were born with ambition and a natural curiosity of the world.  I intend to refocus on this.

My aim is to focus on a daily dot each day.  I could wait until 28th January to mark the anniversary in a positive way but why?  I intend to start now.

So this is the start of Mrs Brown’s Daily Dot.  It will be about everything and anything.  It will be about the awe and wonder in the world; the people around us; the philosophies of life.  It will be about us, humanity and what makes us tick.

I’m quite looking forward to the anniversary of Diagnosis Day now!  #mrsbrownsdailydot

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4 thoughts on “Mrs Brown’s Daily Dot

  1. My son is 6 months ahead of Felix on this awful track trodden by far too many! He had to defer Uni for a year and tried to go back in September but it was too much too soon..and has had to drop out again. People look at him and think he is fine and have no understanding of the daily battles..the ‘pacman’ effect of the steroids where he wants to eat everything in sight and then is awake all night, the lack of energy and oh how the list goes on. It is easy to dwell on all the negatives, and there are days when everything is a negative, but we have to remain focused on the positives… we are halfway through the treatment plan (and before you know it you will be too) and each week that passes tips the scales to less treatment time to go than has gone. Yes there will be follow ups and other hurdles to overcome but with family by your side anything is possible x

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